


Friends

by cozybears



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, M/M, Manga Spoilers, POV Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Post Return To Shiganshina Arc, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-26 02:19:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18273809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cozybears/pseuds/cozybears
Summary: (Manga spoilers up to Chapter 115.)In my life, I have had two friends that I hold dear to my heart. One of them died, and the other changed into someone I barely recognize. Both of them I loved more than anything, and as I lay here dying, all I wish is for them to be by my side.Yet I am alone. Terribly, painfully, alone.





	Friends

**Author's Note:**

> i listened to Berlin by RY X (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_KoasWtek8) whilst writing this. so if you want, you can listen to it whilst reading, (: and reminder: there are manga spoilers up to Chp114/115.

In my life, I have had two friends that I hold dear to my heart.

One of them died, and the other changed into something I could barely recognise.

The one that died was strong. A leader, with a heart of gold and dedication to his people and those around him that I always had admired. He brought me out of the literal darkness and slums of my upbringing and showed me the sky. He showed me how to love, how to cherish, how to breathe.

At first I despised him. I wanted him gone, wanted to hurt him and make him suffer. Yet after losing the two people I considered family, I foolishly followed him to the front lines. And there I saw his beauty, his courage, his strength. There I learned how his laugh would make my heart flip, how his grin would make me want to smile equally back at him, and how his blue, gentle eyes calmed the fear, anger and worries that clouded my soul.

We shared intimate moments together; swift kisses in his office, tender touches in the dark of the night in a bed a little too small for the both of us, soft glances at each other when we believed nobody was watching. It was the first time in my life that I felt truly loved, that I didn’t feel alone in this vast, forbidding _cage_ that I lived in.

It didn’t last for long, however; after the wall that caged us in like animals broke, the man that I adored and admired became distant. Still kind, still gentle, and if I asked, he’d still kiss me with the same love that we shared years before. But it was distant, and eventually I stopped asking.

I didn’t mind. After Wall Maria broke, each and every last member of humanity felt the same distance, same hesitancy. I had concluded that he wanted to create space between us; so if one of us was to be crushed or eaten to death by the cruel beings that invaded our land, it would not hurt as much.

How sardonic that thought would become.

Even years after our last kiss, I still longed for him. I never felt alone with him by my side, yet as we drifted, the desire to simply be close with him, to feel his skin against mine, to press my lips against his became a burning, aching, painful wish that I would only dare to think about when I wanted to feel pity for who I had become. I vowed to ruin him, to destroy him. Yet here I was, pretending that I was okay with our distance during the day and begging through broken sobs for simply a hug at night.

It was not like we never saw each other. Being his closest companion, I saw him nearly every single day. We were so near one another, yet felt so apart at the same time. I wondered if it made the pain worse. Many days I wondered why I still continued to go onwards. The fight to retake our land was harsh, bloody, gruesome. It seemed like this war we fought would never end.

But there was him, and his gentle blue eyes, kind smile, and I realised that he had not given up hope. He still believed that us, that the Survey Corps, that humanity could retake our land and win this war. That was enough for me. As long as he believed, even if I did not, I would go on.

I would have followed him until death; and alas, I did. When he died, sacrificing himself in order for us to take back our stolen land, to win, to have _freedom_ , I felt a part of my soul be painfully wrenched from me and taken with him to the sky above.

All that was left was fear, anger and worry.

Then there was the other friend of mine. I first met him a few years’ after the wall fell. He was young, passionate, full of anger and fighting strength that I had never seen in anyone else. He was also different from anyone else. No, he was not our strongest recruit or our most intelligent. But he could wield the power of a Titan. He could transform and control the beast’s body and make it do his bidding.

People saw him as a monster. They were not wrong. He is, but it is not his special ability that made him that. Even without knowing him his entire life, I knew that ever since he was a child he had the burning rage and desire to be let out of this cage we lived in, and that nothing would ever stop him from being free. He was a beautiful monster; for that, I grew to admire him.

After the Survey Corps were granted permission to watch over him, I took him under my wings. I remember him being so anxious around me for a while; eager to please, always being so determined to succeed in everything I asked him to. I didn’t understand it. He was not afraid of me like many others was, yet he still always seemed so happy when I told him he did well.

Many experiments were done on him, to see if he could control his powers and seal the wall. They failed, each and every one. I remember comforting him one dark, rainy night; holding him close to me, telling him that as long as he tries his best then we will find a way.

I remember him kissing me that night. It was different from the kisses I had received before. This one was full of passion, of desperate need, of a desire to feel wanted and appreciated. Our hands explored one another, as if we had been starved of any touch our entire lives.

I grew to adore him. Our kisses became more frequent, our touches more intimate. After years, I finally felt loved again. My heart still longed for the blue eyed leader, but it became less painful to think of what we had been. The young boy and his passion and fiery eyes made my heart complete again.

We eventually did seal the wall, after the death of my leader. We could have saved him, yet at last I chose not to. He trusted me to know what was best to do. I knew that it was time for him to rest, to be free of this painful and cruel world. I saved the young boy’s friend instead.

Since the death of my beloved leader, there was a feeling of anger, fear and worry that returned to me. Even the young boy, with his soft touches, warm kisses and comforting words struggled to heal this aching, bleeding hole inside my tired heart. My beloved leader saved me from the darkness below. There was nothing that the young boy could do to heal my scarred heart from his death.

All he could do was remind me that I was loved, and that I was not alone with him by my side. That was enough for me. That was enough to make me continue on. He gave me hope again.

After retaking our land, we learned there were other humans, and that we were not alone in the world. Yet despite having never seen us they despised us, they hated us and wanted us gone for simply existing. My young boy, now a few years older, was the brother of one of these people who hated us. His brother was the same beast that had murdered hundreds of our comrades and my leader, who I had sworn to him before his death that I would kill.

He went to visit the foreign lands. He left the same as he had always been; full of passion and a burning desire to for us to be free. On the night of his departure, we had made love, and I had told him to be safe for if anything was to happen to him I feared my heart would break once more.

When we met again, he had murdered children. He had terrorised innocent people in an attack nobody knew was coming, not even me. He had written me a letter a few weeks before; telling me that he would have to do something and he hoped I would understand.

I did not understand. How could the young boy, with sun-kissed skin, beautiful teal eyes and heart full of passion, love and strength become so vile? All the years that I have known him I believed he was humanity’s hope. I saved his life, I protect him, took him in, all believing that he was our only hope. All believing that he was _my_ only hope.

He was safe, yet my heart had broken.

When we reached home, our first night was spent with aching kisses, tender touches and whispered apologises, words of longing and love. A week later, he turned on the Survey Corps, on his best friends, and betrayed us. He killed our people and started an uprising.

I wondered if that was the most painful part; his betrayal to us, the same people who have nurtured him and supported him for years. Or was it most painful part of it all is that he had told me that he wanted me to understand, that he loved me, whilst we made love that first night home?

If he loved me, if he wanted me to understand, then why would he do such cruel things? This is not the same boy that I had grown to love and adore. This is not the same boy who had told me years ago that he wanted to be free, that he wanted the war against the Titans to end.

After the uprising against us I felt sick at the feeling that I had touched him, kissed him, found comfort in him and had felt safe in his arms. I wanted to despise myself for ever loving him. Yet I could not. All I could do is wonder what was _wrong_. Was he being manipulated? Was he being threatened? I wanted him, more than anything, to fall into my arms and tell me the truth.

How could a boy so beautiful, so full of light like him turn into an apathetic, ruthless, pitiless killer?

This is someone I do not even recognise anymore. That, I believe, is the most painful part.

I have not seen him in many weeks. I do not know where he is, what he is thinking. His brother, who I had sworn to my beloved leader before his death that I would kill, is now shattered into pieces. My comrades, who he had turned into the vile creatures I despised, I had to kill. There is nobody else around here, and the only thing I can feel is the pain and loneliness that is twisting inside of me. I wonder if it would be better to use what strength I have left and simply end it here. To kill myself here, in the peaceful quiet of the isolated wilderness.

At least his brother is dead. At least I have fulfilled my promise to my leader.

The river water is cold against my skin. The sun is harsh in my eyes. The blood is salty on my tongue.

I cry, sobbing painfully into the silence. I cannot move my legs nor my arms, and I can hardly see out of my right eye. Every few seconds there is a sheering pain that runs up my spin like lighting, and as the sun continues to move in the sky I feel myself grow weaker.

An aching feeling is in my heart at the thought of them. My dearest friends. My dearest _lovers_ , who I had given my whole heart to, who I would have done anything for. My beloved leader, Erwin, and the young boy, Eren, both whose smiles would make my heart swell and whose touches had always felt so soft and gentle against my scarred skin. Both of them I loved more than anything.

What is more painful? The death of a lover, or watching another turn into someone so vile and cruel and heartless that you cannot even recognise them anymore?

I am reminded here in the vast wilderness, forgotten and broken, that I am alone, and I am unloved.

A loud coughing rings in my ears as I spit out blood, each breath now turning into a heaving wheeze. I can feel the blood pooling in my throat and in my lungs. My eyes fall close, for I am far too tired to keep them open anymore. It is almost time.

Soon, I will slip into the darkness. Soon, I will be at rest.

In my life, I have had two friends that I hold dear to my heart. One of them died, and the other changed into someone I barely recognize. Both of them I loved more than anything, and as I lay here dying, all I wish is for them to be by my side.

Yet I am alone. Terribly, painfully, alone.

**Author's Note:**

> hi! i thought of this one shot last night. the writing style is very different from what i usually write (which is third person), and i don't usually write angst as i prefer more darker-themed stories but i thought i'd try it out. kudos/comments are always appreciated and i hope you enjoyed this! <3


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